(ESO FanFic: Templar of Shezarr – Part 8)

If They’re Roses… (Standalone – Rusia Cassiana & Ishira Rose) 
Location: Hawke Manor

Rusia slumped in the chair at her desk and stared down at the parchment in front of her with a mixture of anxiety and sadness. She didn’t want to write this letter, but she just felt she had no choice. For a brief moment, she had thought maybe she was ready to open up the walls of her heart and let someone in. Then that cursed Bard, Sabine, had interrupted the almost kiss between her and Ishira at their picnic by the pond. The moment had been broken, and her walls had slammed back up so hard and so high she had no idea how she’d ever breach them again.

*My Dearest Ishira…* Rusia started, and then stopped. She waved the magicked feather of her quill over the words and erased them. *Dear Ishira. I felt what I wanted to say should come in written words, not by hesitant and halting speech whisked to you through a floating message orb. I wanted to apologize once more for what happened the other day at my home. Again, I had no idea my steward’s guest would be there, and certainly not that she would be parading around in the buff inserting herself where she shouldn’t have.*

Rubbing her forehead with her hand, Rusia absently set the tip of her quill in her mouth and then quickly spat it out at the bitter taste of the ink against her tongue. She reached for a glass of wine on the desk and gulped down a hefty swallow. This was really so much harder even than she had thought it would be. It wasn’t just her anxiety and fear she was battling against though. There was just so much going on right now, she just couldn’t allow herself to get involved in some likely doomed love affair as well. It was an excuse, and she knew it, but she tried to lean on that justification as she continued writing.

*I want you to understand that I have grown in a very short time to care for you a great deal. You are a powerful, beautiful, fascinating woman. I am flattered and humbled that you felt I was worthy enough to waste even a small amount of your attention on. In truth, I very much regret the rest of what I am about to write, but I feel I have no choice at the moment.*

Pausing to dip her quill in the inkwell again, she considered her next words. There was no easy way to say any of this. The best she could do is just to tell the truth, or at least as much of it as she was able to let herself. Although, to be frank, even she didn’t really understand half of why her brain acted the way it did. Or why she would rather throw herself bodily in front of a dragon, quite literally, than attempt to form any kind of intimate relationship even with someone who apparently really was interested in her.

*I tried to tell you, as best I could, how hard it is for me to open up to new people. Especially if there is any chance there might be more than just friendship involved. I swore a long time ago to myself not to let people in if I could help it, because in my heart I just can’t shake the fear that something will happen to them; that they will abandon me somehow. You have to know that you are just so entrancing that I started to break that oath to myself. But, Ishira, I am sorry, I just can’t. I’m not ready.*

Rusia set down the quill beside the letter, dropping her head into her hands, trying to fight the warm, tight feeling in her eyes as they strained to hold back tears. She stared forlornly at the rose Ishira had given her, magicked to stay fresh and standing encased in lighted glass on the edge of her desk. That flower held so many promises that she was now pushing away. She might not ever get another chance like this, and yet she still could not accept the opportunity that rose presented to her.

*I hope that you can forgive me if I ask that we put any thoughts beyond just friendship aside. I would still like to know you and possibly to be friends if you don’t find that too awkward. Anything else though, at least right now, is just beyond my ability to handle at the moment. I know it is a terrible cliche to say that line, it’s not you, it’s me, but in this case it is so very true. Please know that I am deeply sorry and that I have nothing but the most abject admiration and respect for you.*

She had no idea what else to say, even though the letter sounded impersonal, bland, and frankly awful. Sighing heavily, she shook her head at her own folly, and signed the letter with a flourish. *Sincerely, Rusia Cassiana, Hawke Manor, Reaper’s March.*

Rusia carefully cleaned the ink from her quill, stopped up the inkwell, and stretched her arms over her head until they gently popped. Taking an ocean blue ribbon from her desk drawer, she rolled the letter carefully and tied it. Snapping her fingers together, she summoned a tiny flame to melt a small container of sealing wax. She banished the flame, rolled her personal seal in the wax, and stamped the wax onto the scroll to secure it shut.

Standing, Rusia walked slowly to the stairs, down to the first floor, and across to the kitchen. She found her house steward, Lagrobt, bent over the oven with his hair done up in a tight bun and wearing a flour dusted apron. A delicious smell of ginger cookies wafted toward her and she smiled despite herself. Somehow he always knew when she was feeling down and his response was usually to throw himself into baking just the right treat to lift her spirits.

“Lagrobt, you are just a sweetheart you know,” Rusia said as he straightened up and turned toward her. He smiled and wiggled his eyebrows, provoking a small chuckle out of her, which he knew it would. “Would you be a total dear and make sure this gets delivered to the mercenary Ishira of the Mistveil Company?”

The orc carefully wipe his flour covered hands on a kitchen rag, took the rolled letter from her outstretched hand, and tucked it inside the vest under his apron. “Consider it done love, but are you absolutely sure you want to send this?” Lagrobt looked at her with obvious concern, his rich, amber eyes peering far too deeply into her soul.

“Yes. I just… I can’t right now. There’s just too much.” Rusia looked down at her feet, shuffling her boots against the stone floor of the kitchen. “I’ll get there Lagrobt. I hope. Some day. Just… I just can’t right now.” He nodded gently, grasping her by the shoulders, pulling her softly against his muscled, flour-covered chest, and resting his chin on her head. “I know. It’s okay honey. It’s okay to not be okay. I know you will find love my Rusia. I believe it. When you are ready.”

Rusia let herself sink into his warm arms as Lagrobt gently petted her head like her father used to so long ago. *I hope you are right my friend,* she thought to herself, *I really hope you are right.*

*****************************************

Later that night, Rusia pulled the beautiful lute she’d bought on Betnikh out from the trunk where she’d been hiding it out of her sight. She uncased the instrument and carefully tuned it the way her father had taught her when she was just eight years old. For the first time since he died, she plucked out chords on its strings. In the beginning, tunes she had not played in over a decade. Then, gradually, those notes morphed into a new song. The first she’d written as an adult. It wasn’t very good, but it helped to ease her heart to put her emotions into words she hadn’t been able to say in her letter to Ishira.

My stories came pouring out
A river of bitter wine
I wanted your lips to taste every drop

I could not say the truth
I could not tell a lie
I don’t know how this happened
And I couldn’t say why

I don’t want anything from you
It’s not something I can explain
I’m at loss for words this time

Your stories came crashing down
A cascade of falling words
I never wanted those words to stop

Too many walls between us
And too much history behind mine
I want to break through
But there just isn’t enough time

There are so many stories to share
And you’re too far from me
I’m missing your touch even now

But I don’t want anything from you
I don’t know if I have anything to give
I’m at a loss for words this time
Oh, just give it a little more time

If they’re roses, they will bloom

———————————-

Ishira read the letter twice blinking back tears but let them fall her face hardened. And she wrote her reply.

Rusia I’m sorry that you feel this way ill keep it short…your amazing…and for once I thought i found someone who saw me for what I am…but if you continue to hide behind insecurities and what ifs…you wont know true happiness…they are chains holding you back…we all die eventually but its the moments that we are living that we should take advantage of….i just wish you learned this lesson sooner.

Be well.

Ishira